Detachment is a life-giving force. . .

I have been a proponent of the concept of detachment for many years now.  I know, from my personal life, the devastation of being overly “attached” to people, to their moods, their opinions, their actions.  I developed this trait as a very young girl and it followed me into my first marriage. I was certain “you” were about to reject me so I clung as I tight as I could.  Fortunately, and I do mean fortunately, everyone I clung to managed to escape.    It wasn’t until years later that I was able to understand what had given rise to my drive to hang on to “you,” regardless of who you were.

A counselor shared with me her opinion.  She said I had been abandoned in the womb.  What a shock it was to hear those words initially, but I also knew at a very deep place within that she was right.  Her assessment was confirmed in a wonderfully, intimate conversation with my mother.  The real beauty of the conversation was that it developed a bond between us that was never broken.  On the contrary, it deepened over the remaining years of her life.  I’m sure it was because she was able to be freed from a secret she had harbored and felt shame for and I was finally able to understand my need for attachment.

Let me clarify what detachment means to me if it’s unfamiliar to you.  It means being able to truly celebrate the freedom of others, without feeling the need to tell them what to do or how to think or act.  Being able to let others make their own choices frees us of a burden, one we never needed to take on even though we may have done so.  Being in charge of one’s self is quite enough.

We eventually appreciate the freedom we gain when we give others their freedom too, even though we may fear what will happen to us initially.  Will they forget us?  Will they choose another partner?  How will our future be harmed?  All of these questions haunted me in my youth and drove me to cling more tightly.  But as I said, everyone managed to escape which allowed me to discover the life I was destined to have all along.

Understanding the value of living in “concert with” but not “in charge of “anyone else changes every experience any one of us can have.  It’s freedom.  It’s joy.  It’s relief.  And it’s ours when we let go and let God be in charge of those who are traveling with us.