Change is harder for me than I care to admit.

I’ve thought a lot about change this winter.  I know it’s because I have experienced many changes and not always gracefully.  I didn’t kick and holler but, at an emotional level, I resisted the inevitable.  What I’m trying to say here is that I find it hard to practice what “I preach.”

I have been talking about change in books and workshops for decades.  And I have said, probably ten thousand times, that no door closes without another door opening.  I have also said we have been fully prepared for every change that occurs.  And no change, absolutely no change happens in a vacuum.  God is present always and no change is accidental. But when the change knocks at my door, I find myself shuddering.  Regardless of the folly of my wishes, I don’t want things to change.  Even when I know and actually understand that life’s meaning is wrapped in change, I want to keep all “my ducks” in the same pond they have been in for years.

The changes that have happened throughout this past year involve friends and my fears, (I’m sure that’s the root of my resistance), that our relationships are changing in ways that won’t benefit me.   I have had to double up on my reliance on prayer that everything that happens in this world is part of a bigger plan that will comfort us all.  It hasn’t always felt that way.  I have had to “act as if’ much of the time.  I’m grateful to be able to say that my resistance has lessened.  Even more,  my willingness to be happy for those others who have “changed” in ways that affected me has felt freeing.  And hopeful.  And mature.

It’s a bit embarrassing to admit at 73 (nearly 74 in fact),  that I want to be in charge of all the changing that may happen in my life or the life of any of my friends.  In other words, I want to play God.  That’s not an enviable trait.  It’s how I have felt, however, and admitting it is humbling.  Admitting it is also the first step in letting it go.  What this means is that I have to, once again, remind myself that God is in charge of change.  God is also the comforter when change is occurring.  I need not experience any one’s changes alone.  And I can rest in the knowledge that what ever change is happening, it’s always been “on the radar screen.”  I have simply not been privy to it until the change actually happened.  God is present, however.  Now.  Within the change.  And as I adjust to it.