I am often not who I want to be in the relationship that is the dearest to me. And it’s a pattern I am struggling to change. At last night’s AA meeting we discussed “taking it home,” meaning being as kind at home to our loved ones as we are to those who are dear to our hearts in 12 step rooms. I have said for years that I am aware of my failure in this respect. And I have repeatedly said I want to change this. But wanting to doesn’t complete the job.
I have written multiple books about this topic, some aspect of this topic. Our relationships are why we are here, and particularly those intimate ones are with our primary teachers. I know that, and I respect that. I also don’t expect any relationship to be smooth all of the time. But I am well aware that the criticism I far too often make in the relationships that mean the most to me are not who I want to be. It’s time to step back. Way back and seek a deeper understanding of why I have fallen into this pattern.
For sure I can’t blame any one else for my shortcomings, even though I’d like to say but you did so and so first. Hogwash. Any behavior by any one else has no power to control my responses, my actions in any instance. Back in 1971 I learned that lesson in a profound way in a book by John Powell. Powell and his friend were talking about the behavior of a third party who was rude and dismissive. Powell was shocked that his friend continued to be nice to the rude man. His friend said, and I quote, “Why should I let him decide what kind of day I am going to have?”
I was dumbstruck. I had always allowed others to define me, to determine my actions, and until that moment didn’t even see that that was what I was doing. And here it is 44 years later and I still want to make someone else responsible for my actions. I truly am ashamed to admit this in such a public forum but perhaps facing it this openly will get my attention. I know I am capable of being, at home, the person my friends see at meetings and in social settings. I feel desperate to be that person, in fact. There is no time like the present to begin fulfilling this commitment to be the better self who lives within me.
I’ll pray for your efforts if you will pray for mine. What do you say?
Roni
Karen, You have hit the nail on the head for me this week as always. I look back on my actions yesterday and do not like the person that shone through. I feel a calling to quit being judgemental and voicing my opinions when I have no proof or good to offer with them. I just need to keep my mouth shut sometimes and quit trying to control all and give it all up to God’s higher power. Each day is a lesson and I told him that I am not proud of who I was yesterday but today I ask for his loving grace to do His will and not mine. We are all on our own journey and I will try to be a better person today and be silent when I cannot say anything to help the situation. God Bless and as always so thankful for your wonderful words of wisdom!!
karencasey
RoniThanks for writing. Your affirmation means a great deal to me. Writing posts, writing any thing for that matter can feel like a lonely pursuit at times. Knowing you are out there is a great help.
Bless you.
Karen
Amy
Karen, this is truly profound. Thank you for putting yourself out there – it surely helps others think about this. I also struggle with being as kind to the people closest to me as I am to acquaintances or even strangers. Why do we do that? I also would like to project, at home, the person I am in public.
karencasey
AmyThank you so much for responding. I’m not one to pretend I am someone I am not. My failures simply exist and shedding light on them helps me. I’m glad who I really am is okay with you.
Blessings,
Karen