Time has a way of slipping through my fingers. . .
It’s so good to get back to the blog. I have been letting other aspects of life get in the way and I have missed connecting with you. It’s an activity that keeps me grounded and I need the grounding, I assure you. I have multiple balls in the air on most days.
The really great news in my life right now is the release of my newest book: Let Go Now: Embracing Detachment. I am really excited with it. It was published by Conari and is available on amazon and can be ordered in all the bookstores too. You can always “see inside” when you go to amazon, you know. It’s a collection of 200 essays on how to let go of the others in our life so that they and we can live the journey we were meant to live.
People often ask me which of my books I like best and that’s not a question that’s easily answered, but I would have to say this particular one is extremely helpful, even to me as the author, because of the difficulty I continue to have letting other people live without my interference.
Interference is so subtle. It can be as small as a glance of disapproval that’s noticed. A frown when some one shares what his plan is. It might be something verbalized or only harbored in one’s mind, but the effects are felt, regardless. Our companions can generally tell what’s on our minds. Our attempts to control are never unfelt.
I have been asked to explain in a couple of interviews what detachment really means. Perhaps the best way to explain it is to talk about what it’s not. It’s not being enmeshed with others. It’s not being attached to the whims of every one around you, letting those whims determine your next move. It’s being free of the need to agree with the opinions of your companions. It’s allowing for the growth of those companions, understanding that what they do doesn’t define us. It’s allowing others to have their feelings and not feel compelled to feel them too, or try to change them or be diminished by them. In short, it’s respecting others where they are and expecting that same respect in return.
Being able and willing to live a life that’s detached from the turmoil that might be present in the life of loved ones, is the greatest gift we can offer them. And ourselves!
How effective are you at living a life that’s comfortably “detached” from others. Please share in the comment section.
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Maggie
Good morning,
I was looking for a book for my 21yr. old son who is so gifted and so lost in the world of addiction. Who knew the book is more for me!! The book I am referring to is, “Change Your Mind and Your Life Will Follow.” What a gift it has been for me!
I feel much like Handsome Dave,in that I am always trying to keep my loved ones from experiencing the bummers of life….that alone seems to control me.
I have been to Al-anon, and need it again, to be sure. I am finding it useful lately as I sent my baby boy to Marine Boot Camp in San Diego 3 weeks ago.
With all of that said, one of my main problems is detachment with love….it feels very selfish not to be worried about my loved ones.
karencasey
MaggieHi Maggie,
I am so glad you wrote and that change Your Mind has been helpful. Conari just released my latest book: Let Go Now: Embracing Detachment. It can be seen on amazon.com. It might be very helpful too. It’s a book of 200 essays to help you let your loved ones do their own lives. Very Al-anon based. It’s not easy to let people have their own journey but so necessary for them and us. Stay tuned. . .
Peace,
Karen
Handsome Dave
I’ve been learning to become more comfortable with detachment. My significant other values ‘going with the flow’ … an approach that somehow makes it more attractive to let go of outcomes.
Assuming the American precept of ‘rugged individualism’ and melding it with my propensity for selfishness, I’m less inclined to seek your approval. My struggle of late has been more along the lines of not interfering in the lives of those I love. Not interfering is tough for me, because I think I generally know what is in my family’s best interest. My goal, however is greater affection and companionship: the more I ‘interfere’ the less likely am I to receive the things I value.
I place high value on mutuality and reciprocity in the way I express love. I know how smoothly this sense of relatedness transitions into enmeshment.
I can think it a great contribution to those I care about, to use my analytical and predictive skills to help them avoid the pitfalls of life. The micro-managing and life coaching that I offer is a great gift, born of my accumulated wisdom. When in dysfunction, I am – in reality – judging and interfering … out of my need for control.
So, what masquerades as my love expressed is, in fact, divisive and tension-building activity.
I want it to be less of my job to approve of others’ choices. HOWEVER, I also want the least possible amount of wreckage in my life. I don’t want to accrue the consequences of poor choices others have made.
It is my plan that, by Going With the Flow, while remaining in the palm of God’s loving hands, all will be well. Henceforth, my observations will be less about my concerns: what ‘should’ get done, the impending consequences of bad choices, etc. In the miracle of my ongoing recovery program, my observations will focus on the moments we co-occupy, and be less about the projection of a fearful future. I will sense the flow. I will think less of the obstacles and attend to sharing my UNFETTERED affection.
I will leave my fear-based foundation and go with the flow of love.
karencasey
Handsome DaveHi Handsome Dave,
What a delight hearing from you on the blog. And your personal insights surprise me not at all. When and if we remember that our families love us more when we interfere less, all will truly be well. My love to you and yours,
Karen